One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
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The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He says 'Yes -just caffeine.'
'Have you ever been in the service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes, 100%. An IED exploded near me and blew off my butt.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM
and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM,
why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'
'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just
stand around drinking coffee and scratching our butts. No point in you coming in for that.'
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While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
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A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving
to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! 2 tickets for the Queen Mary II
appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful jerks should remember
fairies are female!
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One day Peter was driving by a Port-a-Potty yard, and thought to himself "Man I sure could get some privacy in one of those." so he pulls over and decides to rent one.
So Peter takes The Port-a-Potty home and puts it on his property.
A couple of days go by and the salesman happen to drive by and he see's a T.V. antenna on top, so he decides to pull over to find out what the deal was.
The salesman goes up to the door and knocks,Peter opens the door surprised to see the man, the salesman asks Peter what the T.V. antenna was for. Peter replies, "well I have all the comforts of home a T.V.and a toilet what more could a man need" the salesman replies."
"Well so long as you pay for it"
A week goes by and the salesman drives by again and sees a second antenna on top curious the salesman decides to stop, once again he knocks on the door.
Peter answers and says "may I help you sir?"
The salesman replies, "I was driving by and noticed a second antenna I'm curious to what it's for?"
Well Peter replied I'm renting the basement to my brother!!
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send his wife an email. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widows son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
TO: My Loving Wife
SUBJECT: I’ve Arrived
DATE: October 16, 2007
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.
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An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd, when a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.
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Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and
Donnie.
As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone
should go and tell his wife.'
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it. 'Two
hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' 'Cooter's wife gave it
to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you beer?'
Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her, you must be Cooter's widow'.'
She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
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Peter is relaxing after work one day in a bar on the top floor of a New York skyscraper. While he's sipping his drink, another man approaches him. He looks like an average guy; suit, tie, glasses, and he's pretty drunk.
"Hey," says the guy. "I'll give you fifty dollars to jump out that window and jump back in." The man points to an open window not far off.
Peter looks at the man like he's crazy. "No thanks, I think I'll just sit and enjoy my drink." The man shrugs and wanders off.
About 30 minutes later, the man returns. Now he's even more drunk; his tie has been loosened, his hat is gone, and he's starting to slur. "Hey," he says. "I'll give you...five hunnert dollars to jump out that window and jump back in."
Now Peter is getting irritated. "No, please leave me alone." The man shrugs and wanders off again.
Twenty minutes later, the man returns yet again. Now he's REALLY drunk; his glasses are broken, there's a burn hole in his suit, and he's wearing his tie around his head. "Hey, I'll giff you five...hic.....THOUSAND dollerz to jub' out 'at window.....and jum' baggin."
Now Peter is mad, and just wants to get rid of this drunkard. "Tell you what," he says. "You do it first and I'll do it for free."
The drunk man thinks for a second, and then stumbles over to the window, jumps out and jumps back in. Shocked, Peter thinks to himself, "If this drunk asshole can do it, surely I can." So Peter walks over to the window, takes a deep breath, and jumps out the window. He quickly falls to his death.
The drunk man is standing by the bar, chuckling to himself. The bartender looks at him and says "You sure are a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
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